Learning the ropes...or trying to

What an adventure this has become...I feel like half the time its a guessing game! :) And I'm a BAD guesser. I felt so guilty at the beginning...I felt like the days were going too slow and this was going to be really tough. Everone told me, "oh just enjoy it"...Now, as we have flown past Laila's two month mark, I can't believe its been two months. Time has really picked up. Every time I look at her, especially in the morning I feel like she looks so much different, there is a new little fat roll or her face has changed...its incredible to me - the human body. She is growing and changing so quickly.

It was tough at first, it still is. There are times when I think my ear drums are going to burst from the screaming. That girl has a solid set of lungs, no question! I really kind of struggled at first, first off, having no clue what I was doing I really doubted my abilities and still do at times. She would scream and scream, with  no immediate danger or pain or illness or anything that you would think would make a baby scream like someone was sitting on them.

She was never good at breast feeding from the very beginning. And never figured out how to latch on without the help of other devices. However, her efforts, from what little they were to begin with, declined quickly. She would give all the signs that "Mom! I'm starving here...please feed me before I wither away!" However, 5 seconds into trying to nurse her she would begin to scream, her body would become rigid and her abdomen would tighten. Her fists would continually throw "punches". She looked to be in so much pain, I didn't know what to do. I was sure I was doing something wrong. I couldn't figure it out. Then came the projectile vomiting, and holy cow this girl could shoot it. (We wont even go into the projectile poop - didn't know that existed??? Well it does.) She would vomit an entire feeding and then some, I swear I had no idea all that milk could fit inside such a tiny little tummy.

I grew very frustrated and really concerned. I knew I had to be doing something wrong, but I really had no idea what to do. I searched out books and online help with really no help. She was still refusing to eat, although acting desperately hungry. It took forever to try and get the milk she needed into her between the screaming. We were waking up multiple times throughout the night to deathly screams and a constant state of hunger. After talking to the pediatrician and coming to the conclusion that poor little Laila has some reflux problems, some possible intolerance to dairy (through my diet), and the oh-so-lucky condition of Cholic we've pursued some different feeding patterns, changes to Mom's diet, inclined sleeping areas, and some medication to help with the reflux. There has been a significant difference! There are still times when her body becomes so tight and rigid and she screams so strong and so loud, but were making improvement.

I still find myself doubting all the time - perhaps I was doing something wrong, perhaps we just weren't making her happy/comfortable enough. Maybe I wasn't patient enough trying to feed her.  She would seem so mad at the world and you couldn't convince her otherwise. I know there are mom's who deal with a great deal of stress and complication. We live right next to the major children's hospital for the Northwest Region and I hear so many stories of mother's who struggle with really big challenges with their babies. I can't imagine! I can't even imagine what they go through. Laila has really humbled me (thanks a lot), and I know we could be in a more difficult situation then we are in. I thank God for what he has blessed us with. That's not to stay that there are days, sometimes multiple times a day when it gets hard and feels like a guessing game.

I think often times people ask, so do you love being a mother? I found it eating me up inside to say, "oh ya! It's the best thing ever"- when inside I felt like "oh my gosh this is, well, hard. I am overwhelmed, tired and lost....its me an her all day together...just the two of us." It is the best thing (even when maybe it doesn't feel that way when you're ears are ringing and its 3 am), but I think its okay to feel at times, that this is not the best thing ever. Does that make any sense? I look at Laila, I hold her, I cuddle her and I am filled with this incredible feeling and completely awestruck that she is mine, that her little body and spirit have been given to us to help her develop and grow. I love her so much! And I think this is my best and biggest adventure. But there are times, I think, when its okay to answer the question, "Do you love being a mother?" with, "you know what, its hard, its emotional, but it'll be worth it".