Waitlisted...

I share this because it was a learning experience, and a valuable one at that...

I applied to an accelerated nursing program here in Portland, at Linfield College,  with the hopes that Cameron would be accepted to the Pharmacy graduate programs either at OSU or Pacific, not too far from the Portland Area. Ironically, the only two schools that declined him from the interview process were OSU and Pacific. I, however, still had my hopes up to hear positively from Linfield. I had decided that if I was accepted we would cross that bridge then. As time drew closer we were starting to finalize things for Cameron to attend graduate school up in Seattle, WA. In my mind, however, I had decided that if Linfield were to accept me into their nursing program, I would stay behind and join him in Seattle 13 to 14 months down the road. Seattle is not a great distance away and in the long scheme of things, what's one year?! It's interesting, however, even when we're stubborn enough to feel like the Lord is not looking out for us, He is.

With so much focus as to Cameron's future, although of course, it is for the benefit of both of us and our future family, my self-esteem, and I hate to admit it, has been hitching a ride on a rollar coaster.. we'll just leave it at that. Not to get to personal, but there are times I feel a little lost as to what my personal direction is in this game of life. I think that is why I was so determined to stay behind and attend school without Cameron, if it was going to be an option. As difficult as it would be to live apart, in the eternities, one year would not make a difference. I would be able to do something I long to do, and something that would benefit our family and enable me to help put Cameron through school a bit easier.

It was the week before I was expecting to hear from Linfield. I was reading an article in the Ensign that dissolved my determination to live apart from Cameron and reaffirmed my desire to keep our family unit together and whole. In the article, Elder Oaks, one of the Twelve Apostles of the Church, commented,

"I reaffirm the counsel Church leaders have given that husbands and wives should not separate for long periods, such as for foreign or other distant employment. In too many cases, such separations are followed by serious sin. Separations lead to the breaking of eternal covenants, which causes heartache and loss of blessings. In modern revelation the Lord has commanded , 'Thou shalt love thy wife [husband] with all they heart, and shalt cleave unto her [him] and none else' (D & C 42:22). When we follow the commandments of the Lord and the counsel of His leaders regarding marriage, we can call on Him to bless us in all other things. "

It hit me so hard that I had been so mixed up in where my priorities should be. I remember the morning the letter came in the mail, and I wanted to hide it from everyone until I could open it and read its contents before letting anyone know I had received it. I had decided that no matter its contents, I was going to Seattle to support Cameron. I still so badly wanted to read, "ACCEPTED", just to build my confidence and know I had done it. Whatever reason it may be, either there were more qualified applicants or the Lord knew, even still, that I would not turn down an acceptance letter, or both, I read "WAITLISTED" on the top of my letter from Linfield. But you know what? It was what I needed. Emotionally, and for more own self-confidence,  I needed to know that I was a competitive applicant, but I also needed it to not be an option. There were almost 700 applicants to their nursing program, for 60 slots. They wait-listed close to 10. Knowing that I was in the top 70 was confidence building. I still find myself doubting, and wishing so badly that I was accepted. I tell myself, just to know that I had done it... but I catch myself thikning that I would have accepted that acceptance, for who knows what other roads may open up or stay closed as we move to Seattle.

I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself...even when I doubt His direction. There are so many great things I want to do in this world. I think of my degree in Public Health, the things that I wanted so desperately to see and do, the people I want to visit and help. I think of my short time in Africa, and my burning desire to go back. I think of our future family.  I still feel lost but I am going to rely on Elder Oaks words, that, "When we follow the commandments of the Lord and the counsel of His leaders regarding marriage, we can call on Him to bless us in all other things." As we move to Seattle, as I job search, as Cameron works through the financial process of paying for his schooling, I know that as we do the things we are commanded to do, I can and will call upon God to bless and guide me.